Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
