And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
