why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
