i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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