Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
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