I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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