I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
