This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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