Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
This is my gift to your gina
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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