I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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