There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you win again, gameday.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
