forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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