i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
