peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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