You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
