awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
