Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
You need Xanax blowdarts
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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