If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
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Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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