i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
