At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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