Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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