9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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