Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
