I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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