I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
