I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
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I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
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2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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