No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
