decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
