I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
