Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
