i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
