Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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