dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
