I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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