I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
