The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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