I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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