I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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