Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
