I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
