I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
