My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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