Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
