My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
