Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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