you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
