Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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