K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
