Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
