Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
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my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
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I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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