I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
