so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize