if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
