We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
