Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
