I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
