I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
