9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
