Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
